bloop

Pain comes in fits. Joy comes in starts. Guess Im just another electic heart that will shock you blind. Please bind me, chain me. The cold metal against my raw skin is arousing. In some twisted way, I enjoy this terrified state. The fire in your eyes...
Not a loving fire that asks me to bed, but a fire that condemns me to death. The gregarious, maniacal smile you wear is attractive. Sweet sacrifice, total submission. Give in Give in Give in, your voice grates on with the beat of my heart, and the raggedness of bless is blissful. Get out Get out Get out rages the headache that is forming behind hot temples. Temperature races until explosion comes, everything leaks out and all in serene again. I look to the left and right. That look is still in your eye. Metal in your gaze.
I
know
you will
try
again
tommorrow


and somehow, Ill be dead to it all

I dont know the words but Ill hum along

Sitting alone here wasting away, with nothing worth a dime to say. I have no life. I work, I come home, work, come home. I moved so that I could have a life. And now that I have moved, I still have no life, the scenery has just changed. I wonder if it will be this way forever. Me with no independance at all. I wish it were different. I wish I could just get up and walk away. But no, I need help with everything because I have no sense of direction and almost no sense of self. Did I ever know who I was, or was I simply what I wanted to believe I was. Who am I and what the hell is this. I should be in college. This wasnt supposed to work out like this. It was supposed to be different. Im good for nothing. I DONT GET IT. I had everything planned out and nothing worked out the way I wanted it to and now Im on a completely different path and I dont know how to veer off the road. Blah. Just shoot me, I dont have a reason anyway. The world is better off without me. I dont like it here. I want out. But I dont know where to go. UGH. I need to get on stage again. That was the place I knew who I was. Until it stabbed me in the back. How is it that you work for something your entire life, and then in one split second as soon as it falls into the hands of someone else it falls out from under you. crash bang boom fifteen years of hard work gone, this was all I had. And now I dont have it anymore and with it went my identity. I want my life back.

quoi?

Wanting to write but nothing good comes out. Hating yourself for the sourness of spilt milk. In so much pain you can hardly hang on, wishing to hell that yesterday were gone. Wanting nothing more than to see his face again, thier faces...three friends in two years, and its still hard. Youd think that I got used to it by now right? But everytime I close my eyes I relive it. The blood on my hands fresh once more. Id give anything for hurt to be biodegradeable and have it just sink to the floor. I dont understand it. I want to go back to being five when all that mattered was who got the good swing in the park. When you knew the people you fought over the swing with were going to be there the next day. And you knew that they would forgive you. You were five, and thats how shit goes down. Yea five was good

messy shattered glass

It litters my floor while my heart waits to be stepped on again. Under the guilliotine. Slice. Gone in one instant and now all you have left to do is pray for that instant back and god wont answer anymore. "You have reached God, leave a message" I stopped praying and watched the light leave. I dont like it. I miss you, us. I like the sound of the guilliotine. the cleaness, and the swiftness of it all. It takes so little and yet it takes so much. I keep wishing I could hit a rewind button, just for that two extra seconds. Anything. Jump in front of that golden bullet that took the golden boy. I hope you can see me waving. Watch the tears crystalize, and then break them off.

peace out?

guitars, lights, sounds, people, fame. All that matters is what never mattered at all. "I love you" doesnt matter, yet it means the world. But to whom? Or what? Just a pretty band whore. groupie. slut. fangirl. All of the above. Until one of them loves you back...
I love you is different from "I love you", Thought the line is blurred. And yet I hold on tightly, though I have nothing to hold onto but broken dreams. And maybe some slipped on bananas. Yet I dont want to say goodbye?

crumble

Ever feel like the walls are closing in around you? Like youre world is crumbling like an overbaked cookie??? I am stuck somewhere between heaven and hell and I feel worthless. Nothing matters yet everything matters so fucking much. I dont know what to do. Everyone thinks Im so strong, when really, Im just a crumbling overbaked, chocolatechipless cookie. Cookies without chocolate chips are pointless. My life has a point, but I dont have enough time to reach it. And everyone is looking at me like Im some freaking 3 headed man in a cage. Sideshow. Pretty sideshow with the perfect life right?? Yea right. Im in love with the idea of not loving anyone who is able to get close. I love loneliness. Being alone. Taking comfort in knowing that I dont have to, or wont, comprimise with anyone else is beautiful. And yet, as a result of being alone for so long and avoiding human contact, the one time I really need someone no one is here. The world is blurring and theres no one here to save me. Not even my rockstars can save me now. No matter how much I love them.

Everythings up and around. And everyone is down

wind swirls and leaves blow. Theres no one home still. Curtains billow. Seasons change. Theres nothing left for rearangement. Deface me. Rape me. Tisnt me anymore. Gone. Peace