Being disabled

Being disabled, its a tough thing. No one wants to hold you, touch you, kiss you goodnight. Everyone thinks that you have some sort of terminal diesease and it must be contagious so they should stay away from you. The last hug I had was from a rockstar, thats my first hug in....well, forever. And that hug means the world to me. Not even my parents hug me. Im far from contagious, I dont even bite unless you say so. If people arent afraid of me, they're trying to protect me. From what though? Ive seen it all. Nothing can happen that will hurt me anymore. Honest. Im a big girl, I can do this. If I have to do this alone, so be it. I just want to be held. Im internally normal. I cry, I laugh, I sing, I dance, I talk. Im just like you. Maybe less pretty and a little more high strung, simply because Ive been through a hell of a lot more than most my age, and its made me a little bitter, a little tougher to deal with sometimes. Yes. My parents are even afraid of me. I dont understand. I really dont. I didnt ask to be born fucked. I just was. I didnt have a conversation with 'God' in the womb that went: 'So God, I think you should fuck me over, just to make life a little tougher' and he didnt say 'OK Kirsten, Ill do that for you.' Nope. It just happened. It isnt your fault, it isnt my fault. So dont just walk away from me. Dont say you love me just cause you pity me. Fuck you and your pity. If you really want to love me, prove it. Stop making stupid comments about my leg 'Well can it be fixed' 'Are you going to fix it???' No and no. This is me, take it or leave it. Forget everything you see and follow what you feel.

Yea thats right you!

When Im a star, Ill forget what your name was, Ill forget the innocence you took, the pain you caused, the memories you tarnish. But I hold fast and strong cause they are all I have to live on. Memories suck. What the hell good are they? Oh well.

*cough*

Its been exactly a week, and I feel empty again. I cry more often then I should. Nobody really understands why, and to be honest, Im not sure I do either...
I wish I were normal. I wish I could do the things others do. I wish I wasnt disabled. I wish I were pretty. I wish someone would love me. I wish I could trust. I wish I mattered to him. To anyone? Anyone at all? Fuck

!!!!

FUCK. I HATE YOU. But I cant live without you. I need you. Damnit. Isnt that one of your lyrics. Isnt it funny, even when Im mad at you, the first thing I think of is your lyrics. I cant, I dont know, ugh. Oh jesus. I think Im gonna puke. I want you. I want you I need you FUCK OFF. !!!! No band no cry

....

Lost all sense of thought inside an acute sense of dream that will never come true. Wish and hope, fall and crack. Hate is love in another form. A form of which is without realization. I love you I need you hate me break me save me hold me. Hurt me. Goodnight

ARGH

Im so frustrated! WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?! ARRRRRRRRRGH. I could kill myself. Sleep for eternity. I mean, who the fuck needs me anyway. Im useless. A bag of skin, that isnt even pretty. I want out. Can I leave now?? Thank god for saturday. Or I would, right now. ILU hedley

I cant wait for everything to start. For the curtain to come up, the spotlight to burn me from the inside out. The chance to prove everybody wrong. Insecurities to melt away. Everything to be right again. I look to the left and look to the right and all I can see is center stage. Stardom. Just beyond my fingertips and getting closer by the second. You shout no and in my head rings a yes. I want this more than you have ever wanted anything. It slips away from being a want to being an overpowering need. Im not there for the fame. Im there for the adreniline which continually seems to drip from the Iv that is a theatre. Somedays I dont think I can take it anymore, and then I have days like today, without it it doesnt seem right or fair. Fusebox goes out, but theres still one flaming candle left, until the last lingering hand clap dies

I am what I am

Patheticism is a state of mind. I am not in it. I am who I am and if you dont like it go stuff it. I never want to see you. Emo is a stage, or so I hope. The day is sunny, and everythings fine. 12 more days and Ill be in heaven for a few hours. I cant wait. The rush will be back, even if its not me on that stage. I will be watching ones who are, and maybe they will see something in me. Something special, something 'shiny' (Dan...). Maybe all my dreams will come true that day. That day will be my escape. Inside his voice, inside his guitar, in the beat of the drum and the steadiness of the bass, everything is right. If only for a minute. I love the feel of the mic in my hand. Jazz shows on my feet, the sound they make as they gently cross the floor. I havent heard that sound in so long. I need it. Drug. Addiction. Piece of mind. State of happiness. The flick of my hair as I piroette across the varnished floor. The wind. The breath. The sanity that is isane. I will be back there. Watch out world

she is

Kirsten is confused yet she knows exactly what she wants. Shes stuck in a rut, but shes going to dig herself out. She doesnt know how to get there just yet but she will. She misses her friends terribly, but is learning to live without them, even if it is slowly. Shes dependant on music to take all the negative crap away. Most times it does, but when it cant....dont go near her. She doesnt understand why nothing ever goes her way, yet everyone she knows thinks it does. She wants out, but doesnt know how to get there. She doesnt want to hear that she shouldnt drink, when everyone she knows drinks to excess, and she drinks on occasion. Everthings wrong and nothing feels right. She loves the limelight, but lost the way to it. Shes upset, yet she has so many things to be happy for. She cries, and select few see her tears. Shes a stage junkie. Shes a rebel who breaks the rules in a sly way and only when its called for. She needs her steven. She needs her dave, and she needs a life beyond her useless dream world

Kdawg

I want you here. I want to kiss your bloody knees and bandage them with love. I want to show you thatn not everyone is an asshole. I want to drive to memphis with you. I want to mosh with you. I want to hear you laugh and see you smile and watch the tears fall from your cheeks so I can brush them away. I want to heal your pain and I want you to heal mine. So baby, from this Kdawg to that Kdawg, I love you...And its only just another brainless boy, whos gonna get an ass kicking

Thanks!!!!!

For breaking some little girls heart for no reason you fucking asshole. Jesus I dont even know you and I hate you. You better hope I never meet you in a dark alleyway or youre going down you bastard. PS. I hope she never speaks to you again and youre really sorry for it. Go die

Live for the fight

Shes cried so often that her tears have crysalised on her cheeks. She breaks the ice off and chews on it, simply for comfort. Something to fill the emptiness. She misses him, even if she doesnt have the heart to do it with because he stole it. She keeps pulling, because there's no other way to get through and waiting for the day that this is all over so she can lay down in peace. There have been times where she just wants to leave, anyway she can, to nowhere in particular. But, even if she doesnt realise it, baby's in love with pain. Shes had her heartbroken alot, and yet she keeps coming back and screaming for more. Fucking masochism, ouch.

Took one to the chest but Im fine...

I keep expecting that as the days pass, things will hurt less. Like the image of seeing your back turn from me and watching you leave for the last time will stop playing in my head. Like somehow I can just erase what I thought we had and pick my broken self off the floor. I realized something the other day. I meant nothing to him. Absolutely nothing. It took me three years to realise this. Three years to understand I was a fling, a fuck, a notch in his belt. The worst part is he still has a place in my heart. I wish he didnt, but I cant change the fact that he does. I hide it, and I hide it well. But Ill never be able to completely let him go. No matter how much finding out hurt. No matter how much I tell myself what a bastard he is. Hes never going to leave me alone.
I love you so much, and I fucking hate it
~K

Memory

My head is spinning. Im lost. I dont know who I am anymore. What used to feed my inner reason is gone, all gone. My world is crumbling, and Im still stuck in it. Powerless to do anything about it and too jaded to care. I thought I loved him. I really did. But can you love someone when youre so afraid of them? It doesnt really matter anymore. My eyes glaze over and the memories fill my head. What I wouldnt give for just one more day, one more hour, one more minute. I watch the clock tick my life away. Only hoping that it will go faster and soon I can fall off the face of this hole called earth. Everyone here will forget me and just move on. I was never here. Im a distant figment. A picture in a torn yearbook. The faceless one who fell in love with music, and cared about nothing else. Id give anything to just leave. Please someone, take me anywhere but here.

~K